Dr. I Want to Go Back to Sleep and Mr. Hyped

My morning routine proves that Pavlov was wrong.  Despite repetitive reward, I refuse to salivate before morning workouts in both the physical and metaphorical sense.

The morning workout pattern works like this:

  • Alarm goes off – currently the song “Roxanne” by the Police (because for a while we suspected we had a prostitute living next door) blasts a few bars before I hit snooze.
  • Alarm goes off again 8 minutes later.  Same song.   I tell myself I’ve already worked out enough this week.
  • Yawn, remove earplugs and eyemask (don’t taunt me), and creep out of bed trying not to wake Lisa
  • Restroom (details omitted)
  • Slowly stare at the workout gear I laid out last night.
  • Look longingly at the couch, and tell myself that I could lay down for 2 minutes and I would not fall back asleep and I would feel so much better.
  • Ignore the lies I just told to myself, and put on the gear.
  • Stare at the fridge, the cupboard, the light fixture
  • Finally pick from those three some semblance of calories to get me through the workout, and in my half-awake stake, make more racket that our aforementioned neighbor, probably waking Lisa up.
  • Eat about half of what I selected, not enjoying a single bite.  When did bananas start to resent me?  I’m getting a negative vibe from this one.
  • Restroom again (details omitted)
  • Plea bargaining with self:  You could do this workout later (lie).  You are tired and you need sleep (more lies).  You are sexy, handsome, and my favorite person (all true, but distracting me from getting to practice).
  • Long, slow breath, exhale.  I’m too sleepy to come up with other excuses.   Guilt and commitment now are in the drivers seat, towing this reluctant sack of potatoes along with them.
  • Pick up car keys, wallet, phone, and the other half of breakfast, and head to the door.
  • Walk down the street to the garage where my car is parked, sleepily wondering if some day I’m going to get jumped and the mugger is going to steal my kick board.
  • Get in car.
  • Prevent head from hitting dashboard
  • Drive to Circle C Swimming Pool
  • Sit in car in parking lot until exactly 5:42 AM, when I get out and walk to practice.

An hour later, I step out of the pool looking like a different human being.   Big, unabashed smile.   Completely excited even though physically exhausted.  Better posture.  And I am now channelling Chatty Cathy so I have a comment on everything including private conversations which I shouldn’t be butting into.   I pack my stuff, breathing deeply and feeling the weight of your body after a swim workout and how aware of your muscles I am.  I sneak a peak at my shoulders and pecs and they are definitely a little bigger.  I walk back to the car, and listen to the most intense music I have available, usually singing along, making everyone in Mopac traffic around me wonder what brand of quadruple expresso I just mainlined.

A new day has begun.

Yet, the next morning –

  • Alarm goes off.  I tell myself I’ve already worked out enough this week…

One thought on “Dr. I Want to Go Back to Sleep and Mr. Hyped

  1. Hilarious! I am so proud of the hard work you are putting into this endeavor. Thanks for all you do to help raise awareness of the importance of organ donation.

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