BJR Newsletter: 4 Jan 2011
The BJR From Snowy River
Slack Jawed, And Not Much To Say
The big BJR (and LMR) news is that the R’s are pulling up their stakes and vamoosing to Australia on January 19th. Do not adjust your laptop – this is not a test nor a set up for a random Wallaby joke. Okay, maybe it’s the set up for 2-4 years of Wallaby jokes, but not in this newsletter. After looking at opportunities in London, Zurich, Sydney, and North Zulch, BJR is joining Atlassian, an amazing software development tools company, based in Sydney, where BJR will be a product manager for JIRA, an issue tracking solution. Perhaps BJR will finally be able to track all of his own issues, though resolving them is another “issue” entirely.
Throw Another Tired Stereotype on the Barbie
I’m sure all of BJR’s readers, in an attempt to win favor with BJR, are sweating bullets, attempting to come up with not-so-witty comments about moving to Australia, based on the horrendously minimal amount of information that Americans know about the Terra Australis Incognita. If you are tempted to make any of the following categories of jokes, please stop defiling the beautiful palace of humor I have so painstakingly constructed. Just in case you’re not creative, BJR has provided a few sample jokes so you can skip hurting yourself and just use the following to get it out of your system. Say any of the following out loud and then stab yourself in the left shin with a carrot peeler. Repeat the stabbing step if you’re still tempted to make similar jokes.
1. Any reference to Australia being settled by criminals (BJR, you’ll fit right in!)
2. Anything using a fake Australian accent and using the words “mate”, “sheila”, “bloke” or “crikey” (Crikey! My mate BJR and his sheila LMR are moving down under!)
3. Insert lame Crocodile Dundee joke here (That’s not a narcissist! This is a narcissist.)
4. Any sentence including “Shrimp”, “Barbie”, or any menu item at The Outback Steakhouse (Is the Grilled Cheese-A-Roo aboriginal cuisine?)
5. Saying “The Dingo Ate My Baby” and then cackling like it’s the funniest thing ever (even though you likely don’t know the origin of this quote)
6. Anything referencing kangaroos (I suppose you’ll be resting your hands in your pouch even more often, eh mate?)
7. Some warning about getting eaten by sharks, killed by sting rays, etc (Make sure to check the swimming pool for killer sharks being ridden by sting rays)
8. Any lyric by Men at Work or Midnight Oil (How will BJR sleep when his bed is burning?)
9. Vegemite. (Congrats! You know one ‘food’ from Australia! Three bonus carrot peeler stabbings are included in this category.)
If you need to send physical mail to BJR or LMR, please address it to:
In San Francisco, then Melbourne, then Sydney
BJR and LMR have just arrived in San Francisco, where BJR will work out of the S.F. Atlassian office, before departing the country on January 19th. While BJR gets to know his West Coast colleagues, LMR will be learning the secrets behind Rice-A-Roni. From SFO, the Rollins will venture to Melbourne to watch the evening session of the Australian Open on January 22nd, and then arrive in their new home of Sydney, Australia, on January 23rd.
Holidays on East
Road Trip! On December 18th, BJR and LMR over-packed the Pathfinder in “Sanford and Son” style (Elizabeth! I’m coming to join ya!), and drove from Austin to Stafford, Virginia. Stops along the way included Waco, Dallas, Nashville, and Hendersonville, North Carolina, as a part of the “Farewell, U.S.A.” tour and to spend the holidays with bits of family scattered across the country. Correction: Not just bits, but whole family members scattered across the country. No family, except LMR’s brother (who succumbed to snowball-induced head injuries) were wounded or minced during the R’s travel.
The culmination of 11 months of masochism, monesterialism, and gluttony, BJR completed Ironman Arizona in 12 hours and 45 minutes, burning approximately as many calories in a day as consumed by the entire New Jersey Turnpike Toll Collector’s Cafeteria.
Many people have asked BJR if he considers himself better than other people now that he’s completed an Ironman. Absolutely not. BJR has considered himself better than other people since he became aware that other people existed, and the Ironman is just one more data point amongst a lifetime of examples.
The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this half-baked work is probably legal. But it is highly frowned upon, unless you think someone else might find it interesting. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain or increased social status among fellow copyright infringers, is investigated by the FBI and McGruff the crime dog, and is punishable by up to five hours being forced to watch Flavor of Love and the seizure of all soft undergarments.