[BJR Newsletter] : The Curious Case of Bryan J. Rollins

BJR Newsletter: The Curious Case of Bryan J. Rollins

Attention: BJR has moved. To another country. And has been there for three years.

For those of you who keep calling my mobile number from Austin, and sending holiday cards to Texas, BJR lives in Australia now. Wake up and smell the wombat. Yes, it’s been a long time since the last BJR Newsletter. Deal with it, or be dealt with accordingly.

Everything Bryan J. Rollins has told you is a lie.

The “year in review” sap and drivel that appeared in 2013: Rear View Mirror is complete and utter fabrication. BJR will set the record straight. For those of who have never read a BJR newsletter, buckle your seats belts. Some of you may be thinking, “But I’ve read Bryan J. Rollins’ blog, is this really that different?” Yes: Bryan J. Rollins is an embarrassment, trying to paint pretty pictures with words to exorcise the angst-filled-demon that kicks him repeatedly in the squishy part of his brain. BJR, it turns out, is the one kicking him.

Escape from the Eastern Suburbs

Originally imprisoned in a neighborhood called Paddington on a street that boasted “40 Dress Boutiques”, BJR fled to Darlinghurst, which was a slight improvement but still plagued with people whose weekend hobbies consisted of drinking and sitting. Finally in February, BJR fled to Manly Beach, only to discover that he would once again be enslaved in the sick and twisted addiction known as triathlon.

The definition of insanity: A second Ironman

If you don’t know this you haven’t been paying enough attention to BJR. Your excuses for not paying attention, be they kids, unnatural disaster, chocolate-milk-induced-amnesia, or freestyle water-boarding, are not accepted. In March, after previously saying “one and done” BJR will be coerced to swim 2.4 miles (3.8k), bike 112 miles (180k) and run a marathon (26.2 miles/42.2 k), in Melbourne. To shroud this absolute stupidity in philanthropy, BJR is raising $25,000 for Room to Read Cambodia. Please donate so BJR doesn’t ever have to do this again. Somehow it seems appropriate – if kids in Cambodia don’t get a proper education and learn to think rationally, they will end up doing stupid things like racing an Ironman. Currently, BJR’s hip is injured, and the chances of him actually getting to run the marathon portion of the race are slimmer every day, so stay tuned for pictures of BJR dragging one leg across the finish line. Again, a proper education might give BJR the faculties to decided to just race another day, but a mind and a hip are a terrible thing to waste.

The Australian National Past-time

BJR actually likes cricket. BJR doesn’t have the deep understanding that someone who grew up watching and playing. BJR can score a game of cricket, and interpret what’s happening on the pitch. Yes, a five day test match can end in a tie. Yes, a five day test match can end in a draw. In comparison your life is probably a hundred times duller than a five day test match, 10 times more pointless, and will likely have no actual conclusion of any kind other than you paid a lot of taxes, ate too much, and passed on twice the normal number of neurosis to your children. See what happens when you challenge cricket? Don’t test BJR again.

Looking forward

BJR is single, lives on the beach, works for the coolest company in Australia, and is in the best shape of his life (which still is barely humanoid). And yet not a day goes by where BJR isn’t blessed with the gracious gift that fills those who are chosen above all others: sarcasm. Here’s to 2014 being 365 days, no more, no less.

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