Our journalist: Bryan J. Rollins
Bryan J. Rollins is an entrepreneur, philanthropist, and hero to many. In this interview he takes on his most challenging subject again: himself.
While the editors of this Blog warned him about attempting a second interview with himself, he “found the results to miraculously be even more annoying than the first interview.”
Our subject: Bryan J. Rollins
Our subject is Bryan J. Rollins, a belligerent cynic who hates kittens and prefers to judge first and ask questions later.
He enjoys the “spite of life,” and his hobbies all revolve around himself first and foremost.
His dream is a world in which he’s a blend of emperor and old man balcony muppet.
He did not shave for this interview.
Bryan J. Rollins: Bryan, it’s been almost four years since our last interview. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
Bryan J. Rollins: Bite me. Actually, rip out my ears – no, no, wait! Rip out your tongue, so we can avoid this impending disaster.
Bryan J. Rollins: I see we’re starting where we left off. This time I’d like to try and dig deeper into your hostility issues. But first, I’d like to start by asking why you’re doing a second Ironman?
Bryan J. Rollins: I’m still waiting for you to rip your tongue out of your mouth.
Bryan J. Rollins: Can we dispense with the unpleasantries?
Bryan J. Rollins: By all means feel free to leave the room.
Bryan J. Rollins: If you don’t cooperate, I can go back to wearing flared jeans if you’d like. Or sweatshirts. I’m sure someone still sells them.
Bryan J. Rollins: Proceed.
Bryan J. Rollins: So, why a second Ironman?
Bryan J. Rollins: I tried skipping straight to my third Ironman but apparently there are some complex maths involved in doing that.
Bryan J. Rollins: Let me be more specific: After your first Ironman you said you wouldn’t do another. And yet, you’re training for one, after bone damage to the femoral neck in your left leg, after discovering you have a torn labrum, and after being told that you’re basically going to be in a decent amount of pain during most of your training, and there’s a huge question around even getting to the starting line of the event, much less the finish. The race is likely to be 12 hours or more for you, and 10 of those hours are going to hurt. Why take this on when from all aspects it appears to be a bad idea mentally and physically?
Bryan J. Rollins: I share my body with an idiot. I think you’re familiar with him.
Bryan J. Rollins: I was hoping for your answer to talk about Room to Read, and your fundraising there: That you’re doing the race because you had raised $45,000 for literacy in Cambodia, and that since you had to cancel Ironman Melbourne due to your injury, that this was your way of thanking the people who donated by completing what you had started.
Bryan J. Rollins: Objection. Leading the witness. And being a goody-two-shoes self-promoting boy scout.
Bryan J. Rollins: We’re not in court. And that second objection isn’t a real one.
Bryan J. Rollins: Probably is a real one in Queensland.
Bryan J. Rollins: Back to the subject at hand. You’re seven weeks away from Ironman Busselton, and the next four weeks are the most crucial to your training. How is it all going?
Bryan J. Rollins: The last four weeks have been only work and training, and pretty much nothing else. I think blind cave fish have more interesting social lives. But, physically and mentally, I’m in a much better place than this Winter in Australia. I believe you publicly aired our dirty laundry and kept your reputation as a narcissistic whinger in place by telling everyone in the world about it with this blog.
Bryan J. Rollins: Oh, you love cave fish references, don’t you? Let’s talk about the injury. What’s the current state of your hip / leg?
Bryan J. Rollins: New South Wales.
Bryan J. Rollins: (Long, annoyed pause) What’s the current condition of your hip / leg, from a medical / physical angle?
Bryan J. Rollins: New South Wales. (Long pause). Oh, sorry, I stopped listening to your questions a while ago. That answer doesn’t fit? Alright, alright – the bone is healed, so there’s no concern about that, except recurrence, but the aclasta injection was supposed to increase my bone density, but we won’t really know until June about that. The torn labrum may have been there for years – it’s a small tear. The pain I feel now may be related to a third and non-training related issue in the pelvis. Fun times. So the approach you seem to be taking is “Hey, let’s do something really stupid like an Ironman to see if we can cause some permanent damage.”
Bryan J. Rollins: You didn’t mention that the Ironman Busselton course is flat so there is a lower risk of injury.
Bryan J. Rollins: You didn’t mention that your IQ is lower so there’s a higher risk of you doing something incredibly idiotic. Moronic achievement unlocked.
Bryan J. Rollins: We haven’t talked about the transplant. You’re going to be racing just two weeks before the 10th anniversary of your kidney transplant. How does that affect your race?
Bryan J. Rollins: I hate to state the obvious but it seems necessary with you. I wouldn’t be able to run 5k, much less tack on a marathon after a six plus hour bike ride if I wasn’t carrying my cousin Diane’s kidney with me. She’s given me ten more years of life than I deserved. I’m living on the beach in an amazing country, working in best company imaginable, doing my dream job – instead of being tied to a dialysis machine or dead. The sun rises while I’m working out in the pool in the morning. I swim in the ocean anytime I want. I cycle along roads that make you believe you could always be happy and healthy. My runs are stunning and the stuff of dreams. The race is just a single day, but it’s a symbol of how my life is better every single day because of Diane’s gift.
Bryan J. Rollins: (Several seconds of silence) Thank you. That’s a legitimate, real answer. Amazing. Anything else you’d like to add?
Bryan J. Rollins: Salt to your wounds?
Bryan J. Rollins: Thanks to everyone who tolerated this interview, and thanks again to everyone who sponsored my campaign for Room to Read last year, and has supported me though the last two years of training madness.